The Importance of Being Bewildered
by LightsCameraFiction
Summary: What happens when you get 5 Robert Downey Jr characters into a courtroom? I can't really describe it, but if you can sum it up in one word please let me know. Contains movie characters, a toad or a stone, hard to tell which it is, and Pythonesque humour


**Disclaimer:** This is purely for entertainment. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental. I do not own Robert Downey Jr or any of his characters. Nothing belongs to me...

**Notes:** This is what results from too much sugar, Robert Downey on the brain and a English homework entitled 'The Importance of Being..?..'  
Please read, enjoy and review. Flames will be read, laughed at and used as a cheap source of fuel.

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**The Importance of Being Bewildered**

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_"All rise for the honourable Judge Mira"_

_"You may all be seated. This is the case of the state against Mr. Wayne Gale on the charge of…"_

The doors at the back of the courtroom slammed open and in walked a man wearing a suit and tie carrying a briefcase.

_"Terribly sorry I'm late. Traffic was awful this morning and don't even get me started on the parking around here, I mean it's insane! The closest space you can get is ten minutes away, there really needs to be a better system, maybe if everyo…"_

He was interrupted by the stunned Judge.

_"Excuse me! Who are you and what are you doing disrupting my court!"_

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Julian Wells the defence attorney. And I'd like to start off stating that my client is completely innocent of all charges and that…"_ he turned to Wayne Gale and shook his hand.

_"Hi, I'm Julian Wells, I'm going to be your lawyer."_

_"Eh, nice to meet you."_

_"Wow, you're Australian!"_ he looked back to the judge and continued. _"…that I would like to call Mrs. Vivian Thompson to the stand as a witness."_

Before the judge could process what had just happened in his court, a woman was escorted in and took her place in the witness stand. She put her hand on the Bible and started talking.

_"I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway. I was coming out of my house to go to the shops and get some cat food for Mr. Tickle-Whiskers because recently he's been eating two tins a day which is very unusual for him but I was talking to my neighbour and she said that her husband started to do that before he died. But you know what she said? She said that at least he died happily and so I wasn't going to deprive my Mr. Tickle-Whiskers of a happy ending. And as I was coming out of my house I saw that the Kozak children across the road had just got a dog! A big collie type dog and I knew then that Mr. Tickle-Whiskers would be in a very dangerous position if he was ever seen by that horrible creature and…"_

The whole court couldn't believe what was occurring. Judge Mira gestured hurriedly to the bailiff to remove the still talking woman from the room. When there was once again quiet, he glared at the defence attorney.

_"Mr. Wells, was there any relevance to what that witness had to say?"_

_"Not that I could make out Your Honour. I would though, like to call Mr. Robert Merivel to the stand."_

_"Mr. Wells, you do know that Mr. Merivel is a witness for the prosecution do you not? And as such, it is the right of the prosecution to call that witness first. Mr. Paul do you have any objections to the defence calling your witness?"_

The counsel for the prosecution stood up._ "I have no problem with it at this time, Your Honour."_

The judge sighed, _"Fine, but keep it relevant this time Mr. Wells."_

_

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_

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The witness sat in the stand silently after being sworn in. Julian Wells stood in front of him and was just about to start his questioning when the witness came out with a question of his own.

_"Why is there a toad on the table?"_

_"A toa…erm…what?"_

_"A toad, there."_ He pointed to something on the table.

Julian Wells turned and looked._ "You mean that stone?" _he frowned and glanced at the prosecutor. _"Why do you have a stone on your table?"_

The other lawyer tilted his head and looked curiously at the stone. _"I have no idea where that came from."_

_"Huh, strange. Anyway, Mr. Merivel, on the 4th of April you…"_

_"Is it normal to have toads in a courtroom?"_

_"No Mr. Merivel it is not normal and there are none here."_

_"But there is, right there."_

_"That is just an ill-placed stone, nothing more."_

_"But…"_

_"Sir, we shall go through this one more time. This object on the table is in fact a stone, not a toad. Toads are not solid are they?"_

_"I wouldn't think so."_

_"But this object is solid. Look, if you take a hammer and whack a stone, it will break into two pieces. Now, if you take a toad and whack it with a hammer, I'm guessing that it would go splat!"_

_"Possibly," _the witness replied cautiously.

_"You don't believe me? Well, I just happen to have a hammer with me."_

He walked back to his briefcase, which was sitting beside his client and took out a hammer.

The occupants of the courtroom, who had thought things couldn't get weirder, were proved very much mistaken.

_"Do you want to do the honours?"_

_"I don't feel that killing a toad is very appropriate in a courthouse."_

_"But you won't be killing anything, because it's just a stone!"_

The witness still looked sceptical. Julian Wells rolled his eyes.

_"Fine… I'll do it myself."_

Robert Merivel stood up, looking horrified and tried to move towards the lawyer.

_"Look, will you just stand back there out of the way."_

_"But it's a toad!"_ he looked pleadingly at the judge, who was scratching his head in confusion at the scene playing out in front of him.

Julian, who had become increasingly frustrated with the witness' claims of a toad, shouted

_"IT IS NOT A TOAD. IT IS A STONE!"_ and with that, he lifted the hammer about his head, swung it down hard and it hit the table with a loud 'Ribbi-splat!'

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There was a deathly silence for several minutes while everybody stared at the defence attorney and the gooey mess on the table. Until…

_"Crikey,"_ breathed Wayne Gale.

Julian Wells lifted the hammer off the table and gawked at the mess left on the table and the separate little pool that was now forming under the dripping hammer.

Robert Merivel sat back down in the witness box, crossed his arms and sulkily muttered

_"I told you so."_

Larry Paul, the prosecuting attorney, stared at the toad entrails that had come dangerously close to splashing him and wished that he was back in Boston with his girlfriend.

Judge Mira on the other hand had thought he'd seen everything before, having presiding over many cases against celebrities through the years. But this he thought had to be the most bizarre, and for what?

_"It was only a bloody parking offence,"_ he grumbled.

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Ta-daa. Please note that no animals were harmed in the writing of this story.

**Disclaimer (continued):** Actually I think I do own something...'ribbi-splat'...yay.


End file.
